On a "Green" Wedding

For some reason, our wedding has been labeled 'green' by everyone. Everyone, that is, except us. We aren't trying to be 'green' or 'sustainable' or have an 'eco-friendly' anything. We are trying to apply our normal morals to our wedding, though, and that does include being environmentally conscious.

Plus, I have some serious issues with the words "green" or anything that's called "eco-this" or that is billed as sustainable. I could write frickin novel on my issues with these words and what they have come to mean. First, its super trendy and cool to be green. But a lot of times that doesn't mean actually trying to be environmentally conscious. A lot of times it means buying into new things. Ex: Nalgenes and Sigg water bottles are green in the sense that you don't use water bottles. But how many have you bought, lost, ruined by leaving tea in them over the weekend and not being able to get the nastastic smell out or tried to test the myth that nalgenes are indestructible and had to get a new one? In other words, if you buy enough reusable bottles the 'green' value of them is eventually lost.

Second, a lot of things labeled as green, or eco or sustainable are not. Its just another selling point with too little regulation on who can use those words and how they can be used.* And often too little thought into what sustainability means. Fun story: A boycott was created to boycott any and all products coming from the rainforest. The group was trying to save the rainforest. But by removing the opportunity for people to have income from the rainforest, their alternative was the slash/burn and then farm the land. Not thought through very well.

Third, we need a new way of thinking about the 'environment' and our relationship to it. We are part of the environment. We are not some evil force that needs to be separated and removed from the environment to save it. These key words all link to a separation of humans from the environment - which is false. Being 'eco-friendly' is being 'human-friendly'. The lesson of this is that us changing the environment does not have to mean bad things. The current model of environmentalism is all about reducing our impact. In this model, the goal is zero impact. But that is not going to happen. We have always changed and will always change the environment because we exist. and thats ok. We just have to change it in a different direction.**

That's my rant on environmentalism.***

As far as weddings and specifically our wedding being labeled green, I try to avoid it as much as possible. We are doing what we can and what we have thought of to be conscious of our decisions and their environmental impact. Have we succeeded? I don't know. We could definitely have done more. Actually, not having a wedding at all is way more sustainable than having a wedding. But thats not realistic and I DO NOT think being sustainable has to mean giving up everything.

Sustainability is hard. Its not cheap. And can take a lot of effort and thought. But that is because right now, the current unsustainable system is backed by heavy federal dollars, lots of lobbying, and lots of crazy American culture. Our personal choices make a difference, but large scale change needs to occur for us to truly change the direction that we are going.

In the meantime, we are each finding where our line is. What effort, what cost are we willing or able to give to be a better citizen of the environment? How much change are we willing or able go through to change the way we interact with the environment? Because we don't know where the line between sustainable and unsustainable is. We are all feeling it out our own lines on our own terms.


*Side rant: why should the responsible parties be forced to add the adjective. I think those causing the problems should be given the burden of adjectives. So then you'd see labels such as "Industrial Beef!" "Pure toxic cleaner!" and the 'organic' options can just become the norm. No adjective needed.
**Want an awesome, perspective changing read? Check out this book.
***Who was an Environment and Natural Resource major? Me!

Image via mclcbooks and since this is a wedding blog I put a green flower that we will have at our wedding on my post about being green. so clever...

Our Wedding: Ceremony

We are finally putting together our ceremony and are enjoying the freedom of a non-religious, do whatever we want format. There are so many possibilities and its really fun to sort through our options and ideas to put together a ceremony that is going to be meaningful to us.

So far...this is what we have for our ceremony:
- Important people are seated, the four people standing up for us walk in, and then the Mister and I walk in together (or something)
- Our officiant (who is the father of one of my mister's best friends) says some sort of welcome
- Some cool people read something awesome that makes people think
- Some cool people read something awesome that makes people smile and cry
- Our officiant says a few more words
- We say some kind of vows
- We give each other rings
- We make ou...I mean, we kiss
- Exit to cocktail hour!

Is it sad that I feel really happy and like we've made great progress now that we have this extremely vague and totally nondescript outline?

Also, does anyone have some good readings? We went to Borders to browse through their love poems and all we found were extremely cheesy, epic poems that no one would be able to understand just listening to them. One reading that we are thinking about is from The Little Prince, a story I've loved for a long time, about taming and being tamed. Its adorable and has a cute little message. It also might be fun to have three people read it. One as the Little Prince, one as the fox and one as narrator.

So, any good, meaningful, not so cheesy and not so grand poems or readings about love/marriage/commitment out there?

Too many weddings

We are at that age when every summer is full of weddings. And this summer, it feels very different to be a part of that. We are getting married, I will be in one, attending a hand full, and starting to hear talk of a wedding for two of our closest friends in the coming year. Its a very busy time!

I'm finding that it also adds a very difficult element to our planning. I've talked before about all the crazy expectations that come with planning a wedding and trying to stay true to our goals in the face of many differing (and very vocal) opinions. One side of the family thinks our wedding isn't going to be formal enough ("This is your wedding, Jen! Not a child's birthday party!") while the other side can't believe what we are spending and that we are having such a "large" wedding. All very encouraging, thanks families.

And as our wedding represents, we fall somewhere smack in the middle. Our 94 person guest list is the right size for us and includes all of our first ring relatives and close friends. We definitely hurt some feelings and drew some uncomfortable lines to keep it that small, but its what we choose. And I don't feel like its a large group or a really small group. Its just right! (This guest list is too big! This guest list is too small! This guest list is juuuuust right!)

Our budget reflects what we wanted as well. Meaning: a full meal, a place to eat that food, a photographer, a white dress, a suit, and some things mixed in that look pretty. We luckily have the means and partial financial support from my parents to do this and will not go into debt for our wedding. The budget definitely got bigger than we imagined...but we found out very quickly into the planning that the budget we imagined was not realistic for what we wanted. We are sacrificing money instead of sacrificing a day that will represent us and be meaningful to us. *insert cheesy phrase here about making memories to last a lifetime or something*

All these decisions were made with care to fit us as a couple in this particular moment in our relationship and lives.

Enter the wedding season.

I've been talking to a friend of mine whose wedding will be in July. Inevitably, weddings are the major portion of our conversations, but I try to avoid it as much as possible. We are having very different weddings and I want to avoid comparisons. Me comparing our wedding to theirs and her doing the same.

But once wedding season gets into full gear I don't know how to avoid it. I'm scared of attending weddings this summer, seeing what they did, and feeling the expectations all over again. On the flip side, I DO think our wedding is going to be completely awesome...and I don't want to share awesome details that we are doing in case it sounds like "oh yeah? check out what we're doing! isn't that GREAT?" or that I'm gloating about ours.

Anyone else dealt or dealing with this? Advice on how to avoid comparing weddings?

Fridays Rock My Socks

I'm so happy to see Friday. Work has been crazy. A rainy MN day is making me want to go back to bed hardcore. And the wedding is weighing me down. I have a mondo to-do list that I haven't even looked at in ages and don't quite know where to start on. I feel in a good place as far as the wedding, but right now I just want it to be here so we can get this marriage show on the road!

Hence my less than thoughtful posts of late. Shoes! Necklaces! Rings! And yesterday, a very successful first dress fitting with an adorable little lady who is possibly two feet shorter than me and who I am so happy to give my dress to to make it go from giant white sack to slim and trim beauty! (Oh, and by the way...I introduced the dress to green pearl necklace. They are unsure about each other but could be great friends once they get acquainted better. I also introduced the dress to these metallic sandals that I picked up. WOAH. They HATE each other and had to be separated immediately lest some fighting break out! It was terrible.)

So instead of thoughtful wedding land critiques or insights, I'm jumping on board with posting on non wedding real person stuff.

Non wedding things happening in my life:
- Trying to navigate an awesome job where I have been for almost two years now but just got the hang of a few months back. It was a new position when I came in where I am the one person communications team for a department at the University. Aka so much to do and so little time.
- Planning for marriage. What will that mean for us? At the moment we are not a fully integrated couple. We are still two individuals with lots of stake in each other, but I'm looking forward to joining together more in our finances, planning, car ownership, insurance, and all the good stuff!
- Wanting to MOVE. We've both lived in MN our entire lives and have wanted to move out west since I graduated college a couple of years back. An awesome job got in the way (yeah, rough, I know) and then the engagement/wedding came and put off our moving plans. As soon as thats done, I want to GO, get some new scenery, some mountains, and awesome skiing!
- When we move, I have no idea what sort of direction I want to aim my career in.
- Getting in shape. Trying to figure out a lifestyle that I can keep up and that will keep my healthy. Less lazy butt. More buns o' steel!
- I wanna cook and bake more. Which might conflict with the above...
- Enjoying summer! I can't frickin wait for Minnesota to get in gear and summer to come! Summer grilling, boating, laying in sun, biking on all of the awesome bike trails in the Twin Cities, canoe trips down the river, river tubing, weekends at the cabin, AAHH!!! I LOVE SUMMER!!!!

(I'm going to push this rainy, gloomy day away are just stare at this picture all day, dreaming about summer. This is from a past canoe trip down the gorgeous St. Croix River.)

Whats going on in your non-wedding life? Here's hoping this Friday rocks all of your socks as well. Peace!

Ducking the Punches

So I was listening to NPR the other day, and as usual, heard something awesome. It was this lady, Laura Munson, talking about her book called "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is: A Season of Unlikely Happiness”. At first, it sounded like your typical self-help, relationship advice, claiming your life kind of book. Which I'm totally going to admit that I'm a sucker for. I'm constantly self-helping. Not because I really need help, just because I'm always trying to be bigger and better. I see my potential and I want to reach it, dammit!

Anyway, so this book. She talks, she is empowered, she saves her marrigae, it all sounds great. I haven't read the book and only heard pieces of her talk on NPR, but I found an awesome (and short) article that she wrote that covers the gist of her book.

In it she tells of how her husband came to her one day and said, “I don’t love you anymore” and wanted to leave her and their children. Following some crazy zen path, she said “I don’t buy it” and in effect waited him out. Eventually he came around and they have continued to be happily married since. Part of her philosophy is to not take things personally – and even when her husband told her he didn’t love her anymore, she worked to not take it personally. As she describes, he threw a emotional punch at her and instead of making it a fight, she just ducked.

This amazes and baffles me. Its amazing because I totally see the logic behind it and understand how not taking things personally means you can actually work through the issue at hand. It takes a lot of the emotional warfare out between two people and gets to the nitty gritty of whats going on. But it baffles me because I can’t imagine being able to do that! She must be a zen master!

As I said earlier, I’m a sucker for books like this, and this is an area that the mister and I could definitely work on. We come from families who address conflict very differently. I’m a soft Minnesotan who grew up in a soft spoken family where we didn’t argue and never raised our voices. His family is constantly raising voices across the dinner table over whatever hot topic they can find. We’ve worked on reconciling these two styles and have made lots of progress, but the arguing is an art form that we are still learning. We haven’t learned to duck each other’s punches yet and still seem to walk straight into them!

But luckily we have lots of time to learn and even if we get into nasty fights we always come back together stronger and better than before.

All about a feeling

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou


What an amazing quote! And a great sentiment to remember while wedding planning.

The quote could stand by itself because I don't think I'm eloquent or insightful enough to prose along side Maya Angelou. But this is what I'm aiming for in our wedding - a feeling. A feeling of love and commitment and community that is based on me and my darling but that pulls in our family and friends. The words, the decorations, and all the details are only accompanying and accomplices in this. I hope they will add to the atmosphere and add to the given beauty of the day, but in and of themselves they won't create my 'dream wedding'.

Photo from helgasms!

Struck

Before getting engaged, I will say that I was a bit against weddings. I wanted to avoid all the drama and just have a big, fun party. Since getting engaged, I’ve changed my tune a bit and our big, fun party is looking more and more like a wedding. And that’s fine. In essence it’s still a big, fun party, but I’ve learned that there are a lot of great parts of weddings and I am excited to include these parts!

My favorite part so far has been that of community. We’ve had people offering help and services like I never expected. I’ve gotten to hang out with my aunts and cousin all to brainstorm and craft for the wedding. Sometimes I feel apologetic for taking up their time, but in the end I know that they love helping out and applying their skills and knowledge to our wedding. And it is so much fun to be in the center of this outpouring of help, love, and creativity!

It’s bonding time that I can’t imagine happening in any other way at this moment in my life (I’m sure having a baby could be similar but that is way, way far away), and I feel as though I’m going through a right of passage. The other weekend I was sitting at a table with my mom and two of my aunts. Mom had her wedding album out and the three of them were sharing wedding memories. It was fun to hear about their favorite parts, the mishaps, and their perspectives from each others weddings. And to feel excited for our wedding so that we could add to this shared experience and group memory.

It makes me hopeful that all this time, energy, and money will be well spent.

Image from maz hewitt

Deciding whats important

We are less than six months out from our wedding (EEEK!) and have most of the major decisions done (venue, officiant, caterer, photographer). And we are now moving on to the details of our wedding that in the end will (hopefully!) make it feel personal and feel like us. This is the point where I need to reign in all the ideas that have been floating around, nail them down, and commit to them. I'm trying to make sure that I focus on things that will be important the day of and let go of the things that in the end won't really matter. But how do we know which is which?

I've come to realize the importance of things in many different ways - sometimes intentionally, but mostly in a completely random, roundabout way.

On the intentional side: The Mister and I have done lots of discussing and negotiating to pull out what is important to us. And I have found the (sane) blogs helpful by just noticing what I like in the photos or discussions - and as has been said before, its the smiles and love radiating from the photos that makes them amazing! So that's, great, cuz smiles are free! yay!

But mainly its random when I find out if something is important or not. And this is where it gets messy. Cuz this is the drama of mixed opinions and too much input on what sort of attire or music or cake or whatever to have. And that's when you have to take time to figure out whether to stick up to your guns - is it really that important to you? or compromise - is it really that important to them? Argue...I mean, discussions can help here too or it can help to just picture the day of with or without that certain element. Would you be sad? Disappointed? Not give a rats butt?

Or I like to play a little game my friend taught me. (It works best if you can teach this game to your partner, and they can spring it on you.) For whatever the decision, leave it to a coin toss. Assign heads/tails - flip - and see what the results are. If cupcakes win and you feel a sigh of relief inside, then nix the five tier professionally baked cake! Its really just a way to force your brain to decide which side of the fence its on and you can feel the relief or disappointment in a certain decision almost immediately. But as noted, it does work best if someone else can spring it on you and try to be serious about it - better to fool your brain with.

Then. I have to make a decision and be done. No rethinking. And when you find out how to do this, please fill me in!