Mom, sometimes you are crazy!

My mama and I have a great relationship...most the time. But I swear, there is something about wedding planning that takes us normal people and flips that switch to crazy. And the drama switch. And some chemical reaction just melts are brains so nothing makes sense any more and the smallest decisions seem monumental. ("But what if our cake stands don't MATCH!?!?")

And as the wedding day nears, I'm nervous. For lots of reasons. And one of them is freaking out on the day of as we set up and get ready. Me freaking out. My mom freaking out. My mother-in-law freaking out. All this freaking out making my future hubs freak out! and then it'll just be chaos! chaos, I tell you!!!

Not if I can damn well help it!

Me and my mums had a lovely conversation the other day where I told her I was just slightly worried about us freaking out. At first she seemed a little affronted, and then she said, "Yeah, I'm worried I'm going to freak out, too." So I asked, "Mom, how can we go about not killing each other the day of?" and we came up with a plan to not commit murder on the day of the wedding.

• First thing Mama said was that my organization really helps her. So having lists of what she is supposed to bring, what she is supposed to do, whats happening when, etc. and letting her see these ahead of time is a big plus. Seeing them ahead of time lets her ask questions, clarify items, and make sure we are all on the same page.
  
• Second thing we both noted is that we have a tendency to get annoyed, hold it in, and then burst. Instead of bursting, we are both going to try very hard to voice our issues sooner if they arise.
• Third, to avoid frustrations, being clear is key. And a lot of this is going to start with me. I need to be clear on what I'm expecting of people. I am also going to make a point to tell people that I need them to be helpful and do what we ask...this is not the time for opinions! Its the time to DO! Also, I need to be clear on how thankful I am for their help. No one wants to help a pushy, ungrateful bride.

K, so that's it I guess. The three things we've come up with so far to help us not kill each other. Now I just need to figure out how to do the same with my MIL...hmm....

Any suggestions on how not to kill people?
Any suggestions on how to broach this topic with a MIL or other helpers who might be troublesome?

Peace!
Jen

* Image from Five Film Plus, fun story: growing up, my mom would get frustrated with my brother and I for whatever dumb stuff we were doing and get whipped into a yelling fury. Sometimes, instead of being scared or behaving...we'd run around in circles yelling "Mad-mom-martigan! Mad-mom-martigan!" I'm sure that really help my mom's temper at the time. :) Love you, Mom!

Why is it so difficult getting gifts?

Speaking of registries... The registries have been one of our biggest trouble makers in this planning process. And I think that is weird. Shouldn't receiving gifts be easy? We put together a list of what we want...and those who want to give us gifts give us those things. But no. Not quite. Because it just wouldn't be wedding planning without a dash of drama and a healthy dose of indecision!

Its probably because we are running into the common problem of not wanting much STUFF. We've been living in sin for quite a few years now, have a home set up, and don't need (or want) much. (and have very little room to put said stuff in!) But a lot of people don't like giving money - even if its in the awesome form of honeymoon gifts on Traveler's Joy!

We've had family telling us that we don't have enough on our tangible item registries and that we need more. That we should set up another registry all together to give lots of choices. We even had a family member set up a registry for us because they reaaally wanted us to have this extra registry. And people telling us that the stuff on our registry isn't nice enough and that we should take this opportunity to get china or or crystal or other fancy stuff (stuff that would definitely fall into the "don't want or need or have space for" categories). People telling us that the white dishes we picked out are boring (because he wanted super dark dishes and I wanted super bright dishes....so we just went with classic-never-fail-will-always-match-and-never-go-out-of-style white).

Talk about unsolicited advice! Such strong opinions on what we should ask for for gifts!? wtf

Are/did any of you have similar registry problems?

Image from Kol Tregaskes because while some of you are dreaming about babies...I'm dreaming about puppies!

Shower Recap

Afternoon, ladies and gents!
Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! It was a jam packed one over here in Minnesoooota! We got our best dudes their wedding duds, saw Inception (awesome!!!), went to my shower, celebrated a birthday, had some crazy storms that flooded the streets of Minneapolis, went river tubing, and then woke up very tired on this Monday morning! Phew! I need a break from my weekends.

I've been getting a lot of questions about my shower and just people asking how it went. All I can manage is to say "good!", but I feel like they want more. So after a few seconds of them staring at me I usually break and say, "Um...well, it was very showerlike! We played some games, ate some food and then everyone watched me open presents." That still doesn't seem to be an adequate answer but that is all I got!

Maybe I just feel a little awkward about being the center of attention...especially when all that means is that everyone is watching me open presents. Presents that I've already picked out, are not really going to be a surprise, and are kitchen/house stuff (which means cool but not "OMG NO WAY!" kinda cool). Presents that I feel awkward for asking for and then more awkward for opening at a party just for me. It feels super selfish and all memememememe!

I think that's the interesting part of these showers. I've done all I can to reduce the burden of gift giving for people - I've suggested gift alternatives and theme alternatives that would demand very little financially from people. I've suggested to my in-laws that the other shower doesn't even take place. But it seems that people really want to throw showers. And traditional ones with all the gifts at that! I mean, don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. Gifts are sweet! and we are going to be high tech in our house because of all of them! But why is it that all these other people want to have these things regardless of how I've tried to tone it down?

Anyway, I did have a bunch of fun at the shower and I love my aunts to death for putting on such a nice little party for me. I was honestly just a bunch of smiles that day but halfway through opening presents I thought my face my break because I was smiling so much. At that point I had to transition from smiling full on to a really quick smile only when necessary. Otherwise my face was just too tired and ended up with a creepy half assed looking smile on. and thats no good. no good at all.


Oh, and reminder! Go comment to enter the giveaway! I swear I won't send you something stupid!

Defending your own

Yesterday I came home to see my mister on the phone. After a few seconds observing, I knew it was with his mother. I sat down to start putting our stamps on our invites (SQUEE!!) and heard this, "No, that's actually the opposite. Blogs have helped her deal with the wedding in a good way. Its the other mainstream sites and magazines that were driving her crazy!"

Apparently my mother in law thought I should stop reading blogs. She couldn't understand why I read them so much and thought they were bad for me.*

This made my defensive hairs stand up and I wanted to grab the phone and defend all you thoughtful ladies in the really amazing community and defend myself from such allegations... but I didn't have to.

The mister went on to describe (and very well, might I add) how there are so few good resources out there for brides. How the first wedding resources you find are insidious pooh heads that have no heart and no soul and just make brides feel bad about how ugly their wedding is going to be unless they include one of the latest "hot color combos" or have a "stylish theme"! Or how they have to put on a show to "wow your wedding guests"!**

Ok, he didn't get into that much detail, because I'm pretty sure hes actually never looked at The Knot or Martha Stewart Weddings or any other general WIC thing. But anyway.

In this conversation that I came home to yesterday, he defended me and my blogs. He also defended our so far limited inclusion of his family in the planning process AND he defended our choices for our guest list.*** Good job, baby!

I was so proud and so happy! First of all, he does an amazing job of moderating between his mother and I. I know he is on my team and prioritizes us as a couple and as a new forming family first. This is not the first time and probably won't be the last time that we have to deal with in-law issues, so its such an amazing relief that we are on the same page and can effectively deal with these issues. He naturally followed Lisa's advice from A Practical Wedding post that in dealing with in-laws,

The most important thing is that,

1. your partner is on your side.
2. your partner navigates.

When he got off the phone, I pounced him and attacked him with a million kisses and much praise for his wonderful dealings with his mom and not making me deal with it.

That's my story for the day.

Jen


*I will agree that at some point, even reading blogs gets to be too much. I've learned to limit what I read and to stay away from the ones that make me feel our wedding is inadequate in any way. I'm passed gathering 'inspiration' for the most part and just want to crank this thing out. The blogs now are serving as just a great social community to share with and connect to.
** Burn in hell, Knot! I hate you! ok...just a little venting...
*** Apparently his mama had a lot to get off her chest!

The In Laws

EEEEEK! Its the dreaded in laws!!! Run for you wedding lives!!!!!!!!

haha, jk! All dramatics aside, my in laws really aren't that bad and no, that is not my mother in law (but I still love the picture!). We have some troubles, but I feel like that is normal. Its another set of parents, so of course they are going to be trouble and cause wedding hassles. Its in their job description!

I get along with my in laws pretty well. We do have lots of differing opinions and should generally avoid serious discussions (aka politics, religion, what to eat for dinner...) unless we want them to turn into arguments, but for the most part it is a very amicable relationship. No BFFs or anything, but friendly.

Enter engagement and wedding planning. Suddenly there is a new and different and scary aspect of our relationship that I don't know how to react to. As I said before, most discussions turn heated with the in laws, so I was terrified of all the scary territory I was going to have to cross with them. For example: there was religion. We are not having a religious ceremony and this caused the in laws to be upset. We had talked about religion before but never in the context of ME personally and US as a couple or about OUR wedding. And I really didn't know how to deal with it.

Then there has been money. The guest list. Opinions on what we 'should' do or what is appropriate for a wedding. We haven't even gotten to the last name situation yet or details of our non religious ceremony or what-have you. All these important, big, defining topics. Being that my relationship with them has never been very personal, I was not sure how to suddenly deal with all these intensely personal issues with them.

And I think I kinda botched it. I was scared to approach these topics because I didn't want our wedding planning to involve yelling or hurt feelings. Which means I've been avoiding his parents. (A totally healthy way to deal with your problems, right? No, its not??? Whatever! I'm not listening to you anymore!) And I feel horrible about it!

From a really logistical standpoint, it has been easier to keep the wedding planning with a few key people. Aka Me, Mister, my Mama and my aunt, Franck. Four people provide enough opinions to get tangled together, so the less the better. But also, when you put money into a wedding (my parents are paying half) you get to have more say. There just can't be that many opinionated voices or bride go crazy.

So I didn't know how to navigate their involvement and left them out more than I perhaps should have. I would like them to be involved but I also want to avoid problems the best I can and do what I can now to avoid hurt feelings.

How do I involve the in laws without making them full wedding planning partners? Luckily, the major planning parts of our wedding are taken care of (venue, caterer) and now we are just left with lots of smaller sized projects to put together. Maybe I can ask for their input and help on one of these? That will include them without inviting a torrent of advice and opinions where I am not looking for advice or opinions.

Whats your in law situation? How are they involved with your wedding?

Note: While I haven't shared this blog with many of my 'real world' people, I'm still iffy on discussing people issues here. But I feel like I should be honest - and I won't post anything here unless I feel okay about the person its about finding it. Aka no bitchfests or gossip craziness. Which isn't me anyway, but we all have our moments!

Mama Dearest

Mama "We should have a lot of color. The room is so big and white that it needs a lot!"

Me "Yes! I'm all about loads of color!"

Mama "Which color is going to be your main color?"

Me "Um...all of them?"

Mama "You need to pick one main color and then accent with your other colors."

Me "No, I like all of them and I can't pick just one!"

Mama "You are already pushing it having three wedding colors."

Me, frowning and shaking head, "Speaking of that...I think we should have more. I want them ALL!"

Mama's turn to frown and shake head.

(Bless my mama. She takes some time to nudge out of tradition, but in the end she always supports me in what I want to do.)