Mom, sometimes you are crazy!

My mama and I have a great relationship...most the time. But I swear, there is something about wedding planning that takes us normal people and flips that switch to crazy. And the drama switch. And some chemical reaction just melts are brains so nothing makes sense any more and the smallest decisions seem monumental. ("But what if our cake stands don't MATCH!?!?")

And as the wedding day nears, I'm nervous. For lots of reasons. And one of them is freaking out on the day of as we set up and get ready. Me freaking out. My mom freaking out. My mother-in-law freaking out. All this freaking out making my future hubs freak out! and then it'll just be chaos! chaos, I tell you!!!

Not if I can damn well help it!

Me and my mums had a lovely conversation the other day where I told her I was just slightly worried about us freaking out. At first she seemed a little affronted, and then she said, "Yeah, I'm worried I'm going to freak out, too." So I asked, "Mom, how can we go about not killing each other the day of?" and we came up with a plan to not commit murder on the day of the wedding.

• First thing Mama said was that my organization really helps her. So having lists of what she is supposed to bring, what she is supposed to do, whats happening when, etc. and letting her see these ahead of time is a big plus. Seeing them ahead of time lets her ask questions, clarify items, and make sure we are all on the same page.
  
• Second thing we both noted is that we have a tendency to get annoyed, hold it in, and then burst. Instead of bursting, we are both going to try very hard to voice our issues sooner if they arise.
• Third, to avoid frustrations, being clear is key. And a lot of this is going to start with me. I need to be clear on what I'm expecting of people. I am also going to make a point to tell people that I need them to be helpful and do what we ask...this is not the time for opinions! Its the time to DO! Also, I need to be clear on how thankful I am for their help. No one wants to help a pushy, ungrateful bride.

K, so that's it I guess. The three things we've come up with so far to help us not kill each other. Now I just need to figure out how to do the same with my MIL...hmm....

Any suggestions on how not to kill people?
Any suggestions on how to broach this topic with a MIL or other helpers who might be troublesome?

Peace!
Jen

* Image from Five Film Plus, fun story: growing up, my mom would get frustrated with my brother and I for whatever dumb stuff we were doing and get whipped into a yelling fury. Sometimes, instead of being scared or behaving...we'd run around in circles yelling "Mad-mom-martigan! Mad-mom-martigan!" I'm sure that really help my mom's temper at the time. :) Love you, Mom!

Defending your own

Yesterday I came home to see my mister on the phone. After a few seconds observing, I knew it was with his mother. I sat down to start putting our stamps on our invites (SQUEE!!) and heard this, "No, that's actually the opposite. Blogs have helped her deal with the wedding in a good way. Its the other mainstream sites and magazines that were driving her crazy!"

Apparently my mother in law thought I should stop reading blogs. She couldn't understand why I read them so much and thought they were bad for me.*

This made my defensive hairs stand up and I wanted to grab the phone and defend all you thoughtful ladies in the really amazing community and defend myself from such allegations... but I didn't have to.

The mister went on to describe (and very well, might I add) how there are so few good resources out there for brides. How the first wedding resources you find are insidious pooh heads that have no heart and no soul and just make brides feel bad about how ugly their wedding is going to be unless they include one of the latest "hot color combos" or have a "stylish theme"! Or how they have to put on a show to "wow your wedding guests"!**

Ok, he didn't get into that much detail, because I'm pretty sure hes actually never looked at The Knot or Martha Stewart Weddings or any other general WIC thing. But anyway.

In this conversation that I came home to yesterday, he defended me and my blogs. He also defended our so far limited inclusion of his family in the planning process AND he defended our choices for our guest list.*** Good job, baby!

I was so proud and so happy! First of all, he does an amazing job of moderating between his mother and I. I know he is on my team and prioritizes us as a couple and as a new forming family first. This is not the first time and probably won't be the last time that we have to deal with in-law issues, so its such an amazing relief that we are on the same page and can effectively deal with these issues. He naturally followed Lisa's advice from A Practical Wedding post that in dealing with in-laws,

The most important thing is that,

1. your partner is on your side.
2. your partner navigates.

When he got off the phone, I pounced him and attacked him with a million kisses and much praise for his wonderful dealings with his mom and not making me deal with it.

That's my story for the day.

Jen


*I will agree that at some point, even reading blogs gets to be too much. I've learned to limit what I read and to stay away from the ones that make me feel our wedding is inadequate in any way. I'm passed gathering 'inspiration' for the most part and just want to crank this thing out. The blogs now are serving as just a great social community to share with and connect to.
** Burn in hell, Knot! I hate you! ok...just a little venting...
*** Apparently his mama had a lot to get off her chest!

The In Laws

EEEEEK! Its the dreaded in laws!!! Run for you wedding lives!!!!!!!!

haha, jk! All dramatics aside, my in laws really aren't that bad and no, that is not my mother in law (but I still love the picture!). We have some troubles, but I feel like that is normal. Its another set of parents, so of course they are going to be trouble and cause wedding hassles. Its in their job description!

I get along with my in laws pretty well. We do have lots of differing opinions and should generally avoid serious discussions (aka politics, religion, what to eat for dinner...) unless we want them to turn into arguments, but for the most part it is a very amicable relationship. No BFFs or anything, but friendly.

Enter engagement and wedding planning. Suddenly there is a new and different and scary aspect of our relationship that I don't know how to react to. As I said before, most discussions turn heated with the in laws, so I was terrified of all the scary territory I was going to have to cross with them. For example: there was religion. We are not having a religious ceremony and this caused the in laws to be upset. We had talked about religion before but never in the context of ME personally and US as a couple or about OUR wedding. And I really didn't know how to deal with it.

Then there has been money. The guest list. Opinions on what we 'should' do or what is appropriate for a wedding. We haven't even gotten to the last name situation yet or details of our non religious ceremony or what-have you. All these important, big, defining topics. Being that my relationship with them has never been very personal, I was not sure how to suddenly deal with all these intensely personal issues with them.

And I think I kinda botched it. I was scared to approach these topics because I didn't want our wedding planning to involve yelling or hurt feelings. Which means I've been avoiding his parents. (A totally healthy way to deal with your problems, right? No, its not??? Whatever! I'm not listening to you anymore!) And I feel horrible about it!

From a really logistical standpoint, it has been easier to keep the wedding planning with a few key people. Aka Me, Mister, my Mama and my aunt, Franck. Four people provide enough opinions to get tangled together, so the less the better. But also, when you put money into a wedding (my parents are paying half) you get to have more say. There just can't be that many opinionated voices or bride go crazy.

So I didn't know how to navigate their involvement and left them out more than I perhaps should have. I would like them to be involved but I also want to avoid problems the best I can and do what I can now to avoid hurt feelings.

How do I involve the in laws without making them full wedding planning partners? Luckily, the major planning parts of our wedding are taken care of (venue, caterer) and now we are just left with lots of smaller sized projects to put together. Maybe I can ask for their input and help on one of these? That will include them without inviting a torrent of advice and opinions where I am not looking for advice or opinions.

Whats your in law situation? How are they involved with your wedding?

Note: While I haven't shared this blog with many of my 'real world' people, I'm still iffy on discussing people issues here. But I feel like I should be honest - and I won't post anything here unless I feel okay about the person its about finding it. Aka no bitchfests or gossip craziness. Which isn't me anyway, but we all have our moments!

My guns and sticking to them

Yesterday I was at my parents house, relaxing in the amazing Minnesota spring day, and talking about the wedding. We were just discussing some of the details when my mom says, "Al (my dad), did you talk to Jen about what you were thinking?" Dad, "No." Mom, "Oh, well you should tell her." Me, "Uh oh."

So my dad then goes to tell me that he doesn't think we should try to DJ our own wedding and how important it is to have a DJ to get and keep people dancing. And how the bride and groom shouldn't have to work to DJ their own wedding and blah blah blah. All valid points and concerns. But not what I wanted to hear. And it was totally cramping on my chill spring day! Geuze, mom and dad!

Of course as my dad is saying all this I'm beginning to think "Oh my god...what if hes right!? What if we have a horrible play list and no one is dancing and then we have to work all night to try and get the right music on so people dance and this is going to RUIN our wedding!!!! AAAHH!!" (or something generally along these freak-out lines.) But that only lasted a moment.

And then was followed by a moment of calm and clear thinking where I went on to tell my dad that yes, those are valid concerns. DJs do offer a lot and can make for a really great and hoppin dance floor, but I don't think it means that DJing our wedding is impossible or even that hard. DJing our wedding simply means that we have to put it more work ahead of time to make sure we have an awesome, versatile, all age friendly, and easy to maneuver playlist. So I said, "Dad, I'm glad you are thinking about this and trying to make sure everything works out well, but we want to try to do it ourselves. So I'd really appreciate your help in making it work. You can help us put together songs that you like to dance to and that you think other people would like, too."

I felt so growed up! Instead of freaking out and letting my insecurities get the best out of me I thanked him for his thoughts and then asked him to get behind our ideas and put his energy into what we want to make it work as best as we can. *high five, me!*

(Of course then I went home and spent additional time freaking out and asking the mister if he was sure we were making the right choice in trying to do the music ourselves and going over all my insecurities again. But it was only temporary!)

Today I sent my dad the wonderful post from A Practical Wedding on How to DJ Your Wedding With An Ipod. I hope it helps him get on board. Because I don't want to spend the extra 600 bucks for a DJ when I feel that it is totally doable to provide our own music. And DJs do not guarantee anything. I've seen some great DJs who definitely rocked the floor, but I've seen some total duds who looked like they just graduated from DJing children's birthday parties. Hired DJs are hit or miss... so why not save some dough and take a crack at it ourselves?

So that was my growed up wedding planning moment. I hope to see more of those in the near future!

(Photo from Lori Elizabeth)

Mama Dearest

Mama "We should have a lot of color. The room is so big and white that it needs a lot!"

Me "Yes! I'm all about loads of color!"

Mama "Which color is going to be your main color?"

Me "Um...all of them?"

Mama "You need to pick one main color and then accent with your other colors."

Me "No, I like all of them and I can't pick just one!"

Mama "You are already pushing it having three wedding colors."

Me, frowning and shaking head, "Speaking of that...I think we should have more. I want them ALL!"

Mama's turn to frown and shake head.

(Bless my mama. She takes some time to nudge out of tradition, but in the end she always supports me in what I want to do.)

Wedding Drama

First, I have to say that I am extremely lucky and have only mild drama compared to tales from other brides. My parents have been mostly understanding and agreeable and the in-laws have been only mildly crazy and hair-pull-inducing. But there has still been drama and tears and frustration and considerations of eloping.

I find it very challenging to figure out what I want, what I like, what has meaning for me, etc while at the same time negotiating everyone's opinion that is being thrown at me. This has led to lots of fumbling and renegotiating and difficult discussions. And it takes that fumbling and those discussions for me to learn what is important to me and really find out why I'm making the decisions I'm making. Sometimes it turns out my decision was mostly random...sometimes I find out its because something really was important to me. And from there, a constructive decision making process can continue. But it can get messy before that!

This is also where I've been finding out what is important to other people (aka parents), and I'm guessing they go through a lot of the same process. They don't have everything figured out either, and their decisions are a mixture of randomness, emotions, WIC pressure, tradition, preference, etc too.

Wedding planning is a great lesson in patience. In negotiation skills. In communicating with your partner. In working with your partner. And lots of other life and marriage skills that will definitely be used in the future.

Yay for growing as people and as a couple!