Monday, April 5, 2010
Before we were engaged, I was reading wedding blogs and starting to think about our wedding and about getting married. Then we got engaged and my organized, list-making, control freak self went into overdrive and became engrossed in Wedding Land. I read wedding blogs daily, had many many Google documents full of ideas, links, and photos, and started to fill my wonderful and nerdy wedding binder. My brain was wedding grand central.
During this time, I was lucky enough to find some sane resources (A Practical Wedding is my wedding savior!) to help me muddle through many wedding issues. I came to terms with spending thousands on one day. I understood that weddings can actually mean something more than just pretty details if you let them. And I began to pull myself away from the various pressures and all the various labels (WIC, indie, alternative, vintage, 'green') so that I could determine what I wanted.
Unfortunately, I think I left my Mister behind in this. I didn't share the important parts of my Wedding Land journey like I should have. And he wasn't really that interested to begin with. He is usually pretty happy with the way things are while I continually want to analyze, dig deeper and make things better - like our relationship, the wedding, our to-be marriage.
So yesterday we had a bit of a fight. Well, it was probably more like a break down on my part. The story goes like this. The Mister wanted to elope. I wanted a big, fun party. I didn't want a ceremony but he did. In the end we are having a big, fun party that looks like most other weddings but should represent us very well as a couple. I am paying for half of the wedding and my parents are paying for the other half. The Mister's work situation has left him with not much money in the bank.
He is still stuck on the cost of the wedding and since he isn't paying for it, feels like he needs to forfeit his opinions and input. I understand where he is coming from, but I need to feel like he is invested and interested in the day. I need to feel like he is looking forward to the wedding that I'm spending so much time, money and effort on.
We made the decision together to have the wedding we are having - but I feel like its all me. And that only adds to my wedding insecurities and makes me feel like I'm the dreaded bridezilla who is getting my way while her groom sits helplessly by. And it only adds to my insecurities that we are spending too much or that the wedding is being blown out of proportions or that I'm just not doing this wedding thing 'right'.
Last night involved lots of tears and mood swings from sadness to despair to anger back to bleak sadness. We talked it out a bit, but I think we'll need to talk more. Tears and running noses doesn't make for a very good discussion. But I think we both understand where each other are coming from and now we just have to move forward in a new direction. So that we can have a wedding where we are both invested, interested and active participants.
*phew* Ok, I feel better to get that off of my chest! Thanks, blog land.