Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Too many weddings

We are at that age when every summer is full of weddings. And this summer, it feels very different to be a part of that. We are getting married, I will be in one, attending a hand full, and starting to hear talk of a wedding for two of our closest friends in the coming year. Its a very busy time!

I'm finding that it also adds a very difficult element to our planning. I've talked before about all the crazy expectations that come with planning a wedding and trying to stay true to our goals in the face of many differing (and very vocal) opinions. One side of the family thinks our wedding isn't going to be formal enough ("This is your wedding, Jen! Not a child's birthday party!") while the other side can't believe what we are spending and that we are having such a "large" wedding. All very encouraging, thanks families.

And as our wedding represents, we fall somewhere smack in the middle. Our 94 person guest list is the right size for us and includes all of our first ring relatives and close friends. We definitely hurt some feelings and drew some uncomfortable lines to keep it that small, but its what we choose. And I don't feel like its a large group or a really small group. Its just right! (This guest list is too big! This guest list is too small! This guest list is juuuuust right!)

Our budget reflects what we wanted as well. Meaning: a full meal, a place to eat that food, a photographer, a white dress, a suit, and some things mixed in that look pretty. We luckily have the means and partial financial support from my parents to do this and will not go into debt for our wedding. The budget definitely got bigger than we imagined...but we found out very quickly into the planning that the budget we imagined was not realistic for what we wanted. We are sacrificing money instead of sacrificing a day that will represent us and be meaningful to us. *insert cheesy phrase here about making memories to last a lifetime or something*

All these decisions were made with care to fit us as a couple in this particular moment in our relationship and lives.

Enter the wedding season.

I've been talking to a friend of mine whose wedding will be in July. Inevitably, weddings are the major portion of our conversations, but I try to avoid it as much as possible. We are having very different weddings and I want to avoid comparisons. Me comparing our wedding to theirs and her doing the same.

But once wedding season gets into full gear I don't know how to avoid it. I'm scared of attending weddings this summer, seeing what they did, and feeling the expectations all over again. On the flip side, I DO think our wedding is going to be completely awesome...and I don't want to share awesome details that we are doing in case it sounds like "oh yeah? check out what we're doing! isn't that GREAT?" or that I'm gloating about ours.

Anyone else dealt or dealing with this? Advice on how to avoid comparing weddings?


  1. Jen...I say you make your decision based on the attitude of the brides (if you're close).

    I went to my cousin's wedding in January of 2009, I was the maid of honor. She was...I'm sorry. A bitch about the whole thing. I spent $1200 from my college student semester-long budget to throw her a bridal shower. The dresses she chose cost $600.00 and she had me running ridiculous 2+ hour long errands the day of and was upset when I walked in just before the processional from 2 hours away with an amp in my hand.

    No thank you. We hardly talk anymore.

    I have nightmares about her wedding. Literally, actually, nightmares.

    Then, Isaiah and I had just started talking about what a kick-ass wedding we were going to have someday. The details we had discussed wanting were exactly opposite of the first wedding we went to together...the one we were at. Because my cousin was being so incredibly stand-offish and rude to me (didn't invite me, maid of honor, to the bachelorette party)

    I subtly gloated about our wedding details and Isaiah and I had great fun with it during the wedding.

    Anyways. That's about all. Take cues from the vibe of the wedding. If you mention you're getting married to someone and they ask you about it, gloat on "And we'll all gloat on, alright, already..."

    If they don't seem interested, you're gonna be disappointed with the results of telling them details. You know?

  2. Lizzie,
    That sounds horrible! Nightmare level horrible! Being a bridesmaid can be a lot with a sane person...but your cousin went off the deep end on a few levels. :(

    That's true that the bride's attitude matters a lot. I have just noticed other people saying things like, "At our wedding we are going to do this!" and its in the tone of "we're right. everyone else is crazy." Not very nice. Hearing that kind of thing doesn't make me feel good, so I try to avoid having that same affect on others.

    Tricksy situations!

  3. I am sad b/c I can't comment on your blog at work. So when I respond to your comments on my blog and not on yours, don't think I'm ignoring you!

    Ok, now that's done. First, I love "first ring of relatives." Four words means so much. LOVE! And second, I don't want to compare our weddings but- hi! August! and hi! First ring and friends! And hi! The whole kid's birthday party thing! I think our weddings should be friends. But the real reason I'm writing is that I understand how you feel. Three of our five weddings this year are friend weddings, and those friends will be at our wedding. So I'm a little nervous about the comparing and contrasting myself. I deal with it by ignoring it all together. Mind over matter, I guess.

    Oh, and when my friend's talk about their weddings I always give good feedback and support. I guess I'm hoping that my positive feedback will result in them showing me some love as well, so far it has. Ultimately, us brides can relate (exhibit A: wedding blogs) even though all our weddings may look different, we're all able to bond because we feel the same shitty pressures.

    Judging from what I've seen in your Save the Date video and the cookie escort cards, you're going to have a fabulous day. And everyone will be able to see that with the love and care you've shown your wedding.

  4. Isaiah says everyday "Our wedding is going to kick all other weddings' asses." Maybe you and the Mister can have your own brag-fest during and after so you don't have to deal with scrutiny or upsetting feedback..I know I hate when I am expecting a celebration and get something like "Oh...that's cool"

    Good luck with everything, I'm sure it won't be a big deal once you're in the midst, you know?!

  5. @ Angie - no worries! I don't expect feedback IMMEDIATELY! Just really soon! lol, jk! I like that - I'm going to put out good bridal karma, give them love at their wedding, and just hope they are nice and give it back! :)

    @ L&I lol, our wedding is totally going to kick ass! and its true, I'm sure once we are in it it will be fine. I gotta worry less...

  6. i went to about 3 weddings RIGHT before our own.

    and the entire time, i was so overwhelmed with "holy crap, we're doing THIS soon!" that i just blubbered the whole time. honest.